general Dad Jokes

672 hand-curated general dad jokes

Why was 2019 afraid of 2020? Because they had a fight, and 2021.
I am Buzz Aldrin, the second man to step on the moon. Neil before me.
My daughter’s boyfriend introduced himself to me, saying, 'Hi sir, I'm David, nice to meet you.' He put out his hand, and I asked, 'David, are you nervous?' He said no. So I grabbed his hand, looked him in the eyes, and said, 'Then why are you shaking?'
A girl came into my bookstore and asked, 'What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?' Slim to Nun.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille. I can just feel something bad is going to happen.
Why does ten plus ten equal eleven plus eleven? Because ten plus ten equals twenty, and eleven plus eleven equals twenty too.
Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
I tried to catch some fog yesterday. Mist.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.
Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll let it go.
What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
I asked a German girl for her number. She said 'Nein'. I'm still waiting for the rest of her number.
I accidentally changed the car GPS voice to 'Male'. Now it says, 'It's around here somewhere. Keep driving.'
Chuck Norris farted once. He did it in the Sahara forest.
I asked the waitress, 'Can I ask you a question about the menu please?' She slapped me and said, 'The men I please are of no concern to you!'
Two hats are on a hat rack. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here. I’m gonna go on a head.'
'Any last words?' asks the firing squad. I answer, 'I hope you boys miss me.'
My girlfriend just told me she’s had a Brazilian. I’m not good with numbers, but that sounds like a lot to me.
My niece calls me 'ankle'. I call her 'my knees.'
I accidentally handed my girlfriend the glue stick instead of the chapstick. She still isn’t speaking to me.
I've just deleted all the German names from my cellphone. It's now Hans-free.
If the King sleeps on a king mattress, and the Queen sleeps on a queen mattress, where does the Prince sleep? On an heir mattress.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early? Because dawn is tough on Greece.
What's the difference between Yogurt and America? If you leave Yogurt alone for 200 years, it'll develop a culture.
What do you call a magician who lost his magic? Ian.
Why was Cinderella so bad at basketball? Because she kept running away from the ball.
What can you do if you cannot push your git changes? Use the `--force`, Luke
Which body part does a programmer know best? ARM
Relationship status? I'll leave the relations to the database.
How did the developer announce their engagement? They `return`ed `true`!
What do you call a busy waiter? A server.
What do you call an idle server? A waiter.
[Please Enter New Password] fortnight [Error: Password is Two Week]
How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? Yes.
I’ve been hearing news about this big boolean. Huge if true.
What diet did the ghost developer go on? Boolean
Why was the developer unhappy at their job? They wanted arrays.
Why did 10 get paid less than '10'? There was workplace inequality.
Why was the function sad after a successful first call? It didn’t get a callback.
Why did the angry function exceed the callstack size? It got into an Argument with itself.
Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy? Inheritance
Why did the developer ground their kid? They weren't telling the truthy.
What did the array say after it was extended? Stop objectifying me.
!false It's funny 'cause it's true.
Where did the parallel function wash its hands? Async
Why did the functions stop calling each other? Because they had constant arguments.
What's the second movie about a database engineer called? The SQL.
Why doesn't Hollywood make more Big Data movies? NoSQL.
I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn't stay long. There's something fishy about that place.
What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Philipe Fallop.
Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they're extinct.
Who won the neck decorating contest? It was a tie.
Where do rainbows go when they've been bad? To prism, so they have time to reflect on what they've done.
What do mermaids use to wash their fins? Tide.
Why couldn't the produce manager make it to work? He could drive, but he didn't avocado.
Which vegetable has the best kung fu? Broc-lee.
I was going to try an all almond diet, but that's just nuts.
I once submitted 10 puns to a joke competition. I really thought with that many, one was sure to be a winner. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
Why did the old man fall down the well? He couldn't see that well.
What word can you make shorter by adding two letters? Short.
What do call a criminal landing an airplane? Condescending.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
What do you do to have a space party? You planet.
Why couldn't the tree get on his computer? Because he could not log on.
What does 'Rockin' Robin' do when she's bored? Tweet
Why did Waldo go to therapy? Because he needed to find himself
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies? Bring out the doggy paddle
What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose
Why were the utensils stuck together? They were spooning
What's a crafty dancer's favorite hobby? Cutting a rug
What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers
Why is cold water so insecure? Because it's never called hot
Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything
Justice is a dish best served cold If it were served warm, it would be just-water
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke But you guys didn't like it
Shouldn't the 'roof' of your mouth actually be called The ceiling
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack
Stop looking for the perfect match Use a lighter
What do you call someone who won't stick to a diet? A desserter
What did the accountant say while auditing a document? This is taxing
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe
I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal Or just a run through?
When you have a bladder infection Urine trouble
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!
What did the juicer say to the orange during self-quarantine? Can't wait to squeeze you!
What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it
Someone told me that I should write a book That's a novel concept
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other Do you know how to drive this thing?
Why couldn't the bike stand up by itself? Because it was too tired
What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1
How can you mend a broken pumpkin? Use a pumpkin patch
RIP boiled water You will be mist
What do you call two octopuses that look the same? Itenticle
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A bed
Sore throats are A pain in the neck
What does a house wear? Address
What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit? Straw-berries
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
I've been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back
What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon
I didn't get a haircut I got them all cut
Which U.S. state is known for its especially small soft drinks? Minnesota
What did one Dorito farmer say to the other? Cool Ranch!
I'm so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record But I love their greatest hits!
I told my girlfriend she drew on her eyebrows too high She seemed surprised
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless
How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams
Why did the envelope take so long to get ready? It had to get addressed
What does a karate master get rewarded with while driving? A seat belt
Do mascara and lipstick ever argue? Sure, but then they makeup
What piece on the playground is always exhausted? The tire swing
Why did two tall people get along so well? They could really see eye to eye
Where do wasps like to get lunch? A bee-stro
Why would doors do well on social media? Everyone looks for their handles
If you feel like someone is watching you You're not alone
Which bathroom appliance would be the worst life preserver? The sink
How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side
What did the dishwasher say to the oven after a productive day? You've been on fire!
What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion? Let's table this
I was going to tell a joke about water But it was too tasteless
Why was the ghost so tired? He worked the graveyard shift
Why do pancakes always win at baseball? They have the best batter
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up
How can you tell it's a dogwood tree? By the bark
Our vacuum cleaner is getting old It's just gathering dust
Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well
When does a joke become a 'dad joke?' When it becomes apparent
Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands
Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island
What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical
What's the name of a very polite, European body of water? Merci
I used to hate facial hair But then it grew on me
I want to make a brief joke But it's a little cheesy
Sundays are always a little sad But the day before is a sadder day
5/4 of people admit They're bad at fractions
Why did the bedding hide their relationship? They just wanted something pillow-key!
You're American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you're in the bathroom? European
I've been thinking about taking up meditation I figure it's better than sitting around doing nothing
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth Then it becomes a soap opera
It takes guts To be an organ donor
What kind of noise does a witch's vehicle make? Brrrroooom, brrroooom
What's brown and sticky? A stick
Two guys walked into a bar The third guy ducked
How do you get a country girl's attention? A tractor
I wanted to buy a pair of camouflage pants But I couldn't find any
I have an inferiority complex But it's not a very good one
What do you call a pudgy psychic? A four-chin teller
I had a date last night, and it was perfect Tomorrow, I'll have a fig
What did the police officer say to his belly button? You're under a vest
What's the most detail-oriented ocean? The Pacific
What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet? Reali-tea
What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone
Why did the lobster blush? Because it saw the ocean's bottom!
What would the Terminator be called in his retirement? The Exterminator
What did Tennessee? The same thing as Arkansas
What's a skeleton's favorite type of road? A dead end.
What did the alien say to the landscaper? Take me to your weeder.
What did Elvis say to his landscaper? Thank you for the mulch!
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out!
The other day I was attacked by a bunch of circus clowns in a parking lot. I won though, cause I went right for the juggler.
I'd like to shout out sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear.
Did you hear about the famous pickle? He's a really big dill.
I went on Amazon to buy a lighter but all they had were 3,472 matches.
What do you need to make a highway in an art studio? A mile marker.
How does Vin Diesel keep in touch with the Fast and Furious crew? On a Zoom call.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
How much does a chimney cost? Nothing, it's on the house.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need one to go skydiving twice.
How do you make 7 even? Take away the S.
Why is sausage bad for you? It brings out the Wurst in people.
What do you call a broken clock? A waste of time.
What's an astronaut's favorite board game? Moon-opoly
What is Santa's favorite state to visit? Ida Ho Ho Ho
Have you seen those traffic circles or driven around them? Well, they are pointless.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The P is silent.
What's a dog's favorite super hero? Labra-Thor.
What is the cutest creature in the sea? A cuddlefish.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a caterpillar? A little walkie-talkie.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
What's the difference between a quarterback and a baby? One takes a snap, one takes a nap.
I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.
What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They're both Paris sites.
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? You follow the fresh prints.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
How does dry skin affect you at work? You don't have any elbow grease to put into it.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.
What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks good on you.
What has five toes and isn't your foot? My foot.
What did the pirate say on his birthday? "Aye, matey!"
I was going to tell a sodium joke, then I thought, "Na."
What's a witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling.
What's the easiest building to lift? A lighthouse.
Why do sweaters tend to hang out together? They're pretty close-knit.
Why did the zombie take a nap? He was dead tired.
Why shouldn't you tell secrets in a cornfield? There are too many ears all around.
What kind of underpants do lawyers wear? Briefs.
Did you hear about the two rowboats that got into an argument? It was an oar-deal.
Did you hear about the cleaners who went to space? They ended up scrubbing the mission.
Why do turkeys play percussion? They have drumsticks.
How much does it cost to swim with sharks? An arm and a leg.
What did one toilet say to the other? You appear a bit flushed.
Why are most people tired on April 1? They've just finished a 31-day March.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
I enjoy telling bad puns. That's just how eye roll.
What should you do if your puppy isn't feeling well? Take him to the dog-tor.
Why can't leopards play hide-and-seek? Because they're always spotted.
What kind of felines can bowl? Alley cats.
Why did the man bring his watch to the bank? He wanted to save time.
What's the best way to make a bandstand? Take away their chairs.
What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher
What do clouds wear beneath their pants? Thunderwear.
What kind of bagel can travel? A plain bagel.
When's the best time to call your dentist? Tooth-hurty.
What's the best way to catch a fish? Ask someone to throw it to you.
What do you call an anxious fly? A jitterbug.
One did on potato chip say to the other? Let's go for a dip.
Why shouldn’t you tell jokes to a duck? Because they'll quack up.
What do you call a fake dad? A faux pas.
How do you make an eggroll? You push it.
I've never been a fan of facial hair. But now it's starting to grow on me.
Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? Unfortunately, many soles were lost.
What did the boy say to his fingers? I'm counting on you.
Why aren’t lobsters generous? Because they’re shellfish.
I just flew in from California. Boy, are my arms tired!
Where did people hang out during medieval times? At knight clubs.
When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary.
What did the tree say when spring finally arrived? What a re-leaf.
Did you hear about the guy who afraid of hurdles? He got over it.
What do you call a rude cow? Beef jerky.
How do you get a squirrel's attention? Act like a nut.
What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.
What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!
What causes dry skin? A towel.
I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.
How can you tell when a comic passes gas? Something smells funny.
What kind of bug can tell time? A clock-roach.
Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.
What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it's the "R," but it's really the "C."
What's a zebra? A couple sizes bigger than an A.
Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.
Why'd the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles.
Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines? She had issues.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Summer wasn’t too bad either.
What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.
What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.
What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.
What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.
Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.
Once I read a book about glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Where do armies belong? In your sleevies.
What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.
Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get a crown.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.
Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
Have you ever had a bad sausage? It’s the wurst.
How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.
Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.
What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.
Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.
Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.
Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.
What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.
Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.
Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.
What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.
Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.
When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.
What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.
Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.
Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.
What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.
How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.
What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.
What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.
What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.
Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.
Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.
What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.
How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.
How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!
Why was the broom late? It over-swept.
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.
How do trees get on the internet? They log in.
What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.
How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.
What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.
What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.
Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air.
What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.
How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.
What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.
Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was two-tired.
Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.
What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.
How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.
What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.
What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.
Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.
How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.
What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.
I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.
Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.
Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.
Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.
Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.
Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.
What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.
Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
Why did police arrest the turkey? They suspected fowl play.
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Why did the tailor get fired? He wasn’t a good fit.
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint!
What did the big flower say to the little flower? "Hi, bud!"
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman!
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts!
What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner!
What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here, I'll go on ahead!
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Stop looking for the perfect match; use a lighter.
What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.
I have a clean conscious— it's never been used.
How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.
When a toddler reaches the "why?" stage, it's like opening a bottle of champagne— once it's uncorked, there's no going back.
What's 90 degrees but covered with ice? The North and South Poles.
What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea? Their crews were marooned.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Radish.
You can't spell par entry without "try."
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-lievable.
Why can't a leopard hide? He's always spotted.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why? Inflation.
I tried to get a smart car the other day but they sold out too fast. Why? I guess I'm just a bit slow.
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why do peppers make such good archers? Because they habanero.
What did the sink tell the toilet? You look flushed!
What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield!
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate nine!
What do you call a pencil with two erasers? Pointless.
Did you hear the one about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head.
What did the plumber say to the singer? Nice pipes.
Why'd the fisherman order the halibut? Just for the halibut!
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
How do you make an octopus laugh? With ten-tickles!
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!
Wanna hear a joke about construction? I'm still workin' on it!
How does a lawyer say goodbye? I'll be suing ya!
You can't trust atoms. They make up everything!
Can I dive in this pool? It deep-ends.
Why do vampires always seem sick? They're coffin.
What musical instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste!
How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
What did the police officer say to her belly button? You're under a vest!
I ate a clock the other day. It was very time consuming.
You can tell it's a dogwood tree from its bark.
They say that 3/2 people are bad at fractions.
Why did the picture go to prison? Because it was framed.
How does a hurricane see? With one eye.
What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister!
What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious.
What rock group has four men who don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
"Did you get your haircut?" No, I got them all cut.
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It's tearable.
What do you give a sick lemon? Lemon-aid.
What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!
Why can't your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
What key is used to open bananas? A mon-key.
How do you talk to a giant? You use big words!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner— it was just gathering dust!
I've learned that parenting is a lot like playing Whac-A-Mole. Just when you think you've got one problem solved, another one pops up.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me wherever I try to hide!
I've been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it's better than sitting around doing nothing!
Some days you question your parenting. Other days, you have to question your child's childing.
How old are you again? I've lost track at this point.
Silence is golden. Unless you have kids, then silence is suspicious.
Why did the edge server go bankrupt? Because it ran out of cache.
How many developers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.
Why did the private classes break up? Because they never saw each other.
Why do programmers confuse Christmas with Halloween? Because OCT 31 is the same as DEC 25.
Why do Java programmers wear glasses? Because they don’t see sharp.
What’s the first step in understanding recursion? To understand recursion, you must first understand recursion.
Why did the Java developer quit his job? Because he didn’t get arrays.
Why do submarines all run Linux? you can’t open Windows under water.
What happens when developers ask a silly question? They get a silly ANSI.
Did you hear about the red and blue ships that collided? All the sailors were marooned.
My neighbor gave me a new roof for free. He said it was on the house.
Did you hear about the teenager who failed his driving test? He thought it was a crash course.
What has a spine but no bones? A book.
What do you call a wizard who's good with ceramics? Harry Pottery.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity? He was shocked!
How do ghosts stay in shape? They exorcise.
What board game is popular in Prague? Czechers.
Why didn't the invisible man go to the dance? He didn't have any body to take.
What did one candle say to the other? Do you want to go out tonight?
Why did the bed wear a disguise? It was undercover.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
What do you call a monster with a high IQ? Frank-Einstein.
Why was the Incredible Hulk so good at gardening? He had a green thumb.
What did the shovel say to the sand? "I really dig you!"
What would happen if you threw all the books in the ocean? It would cause a title wave.
Why did the queen go to the dentist? To get crowns on her teeth.
How did the pirate get his ship for so cheap? It was on sail.
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bagels (bay gulls).
What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but never in a thousand years? The letter M.
What did the T-Rex use to cut wood? A dino-saw.
When does it rain money? When there is a change in the weather.
What do you call a kangaroo's lazy joey? A pouch potato.
Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
“I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out from the closet? "Supplies!"
What did the cannibal choose as his last meal? Five Guys.
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? Philippe Philoppe.
Why did the scarecrow get an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
What happens when a snowman throws a tantrum? He has a meltdown.
What do you call when two kittens suffer a tragedy? A cat-astrophe.
What do you call an average potato? A commentater.
Did you know that hamburgers can hula? Just order it with a shake.
What is a cat's favorite TV show? The evening mews.
Ireland's capital is the fastest growing city. Every year it's Dublin.
What did Delaware? Her New Jersey
What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight? Don't look! I'm changing!
What do you get if you cross a bike and a rose? Bicycle petals!
What part of the car is the laziest? The wheels. They are always tired.
What did the bus conductor say to the frog? "Hop on."
Where do cars get the most flat tires? Where there is a fork in the road.
An officer pulled me over for driving in circles. I was just going for a little spin.
I can't get my bicycle to stand up by itself. I think it's because it's two tired.
I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger… // And then it hit me.
I stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was. Then it dawned on me.
Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella? Fo' Drizzle.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
Why did the car get a flat tire? Because there was a fork in the road!
Where are average things manufactured? The Satisfactory.
Why did the woman go on the date with the mushroom? Because he was a fun-ghi.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the “knock-knock” joke? He won the “no-bell” prize.
Where do bad rainbows go? Prism, it's a light sentence.
What does corn say when it gets a compliment? Aw, shucks!
How do astronomers find asteroids headed toward earth? With a collide-o-scope.
What should you do with a sick boat? Take it to the doc.
How do moths swim? Using the butterfly stroke.
What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer? The space bar.
What's the loudest pet you can own? A trumpet.
Knock, knock. Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? Hey, you can yodel!
What did the left eye say to the right? Something smells between us.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield? Too many ears.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.
What’s it called when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.
What did the scarecrow win an award for? He was outstanding in his field.
How many potatoes do you need to make a pancake? A latke.
I hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Some would say that I nailed it.
I invented a pencil with an eraser on each end. There’s no point to it.
I had a dream about being a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
Why did the picture get arrested? It got framed.
Why do M&Ms go to school? Because they want to be a Smartie.
Knock knock. Who's there? Tank. Tank who? You're welcome.
How do you protect a bagel? Lox it up!
Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All of the fans left.
Why shouldn't you enter into a contract with Wolverine? Because of his retractable clause.
Today I gave my dead batteries away. They were free of charge.
How do you keep a skunk from smelling? Hold its nose!
A book fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame.
Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that.
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.
Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
Did you hear about the power outlet who got into a fight with a power cord? He thought he could socket to him.
How can a leopard change his spots? By moving.
Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
Have you heard the rumor about butter? Never mind, I shouldn’t be spreading it.
How did the citrus get to the prom? In a lemonzeen!
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wassa Bee?
Do u know why Grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? A common enemy.
How do trees get online? They just log on.
What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!
Why do seagulls live by the sea? If they lived by the bay, they’d be bagels.
What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
What goes up and down but doesn’t move at all? Stairs.
What do u call an Army of babies? Infantry.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they could spend years at C.
What sound does the engine of a witch’s vehicle make? Broooom broooom!
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
What did one ocean say to the other? Nothing, they just waved at each other.
Why did the donut go to the dentist? To get a filling.
I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
What happens when a frog’s car breaks down? It gets toad.
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
Why is it bad to iron your four-leaf clover? Because you shouldn't press your luck.
Where do pirates buy hooks? The second-hand store.
Why didn’t the skeleton go on the rollercoaster? It didn’t have the guts.
What's Forrest Gump's email password? 1forest1.
What do you call a singing laptop? A Dell.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
Who wins in a fight between Sunday and Monday? Sunday, because Monday is a weekday.
Do you know what can really ruin a Friday? When you remember it's Thursday.
I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
How do construction workers party? They raise the roof!
Why did the copier go to therapy? It had too many paper issues.
Why are chemists great at solving problems? Because they have all of the solutions!
What is it called when someone steals your coffee? A mugging.
What is a computer's favorite food? Microchips
Why did the golfer get a new pair of pants? Because he got a hole in one
Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun-guy
Why did the Ram run off the cliff? It didn't see the ewe turn
What happens when you take a watch on a plane? Time flies!
Why didn’t the toilet roll cross the road? Because he got stuck in the crack
How long is a piece of string? Twice as long as half of it!
What do you get when you make humorous soup? Laughing stock
What did the platypus say when he bought some lipstick? Put it on my bill
What do you call a magic dog? A labracadabrador 🐶
How do you make a fire with two sticks? Make sure ones a match 🔥
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk 🙈
Kid: "Dad, make me a sandwich!" Dad: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!" 🥪
The batteries are flat. No, they’re round
Knock Knock Who's there? Harold! Harold who? Harold do you think I am?
What did the crocodile wear to the beach? Crocs 🐊
Why couldn't the bike stand on its own? Because it was two tyred 🚲
Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? It’s tearable
"Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!!"
Did you hear about a guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months
Why are there barcodes printed on the sides of Norway's Navy ships? So when they come in to port the can Scandinavian 🚢
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows
How does an Eskimo build a house? Igloos it together ❄️☃️
What did the police say to his belly button? You're under a vest 🦺
I have a joke about a pencil... but it's pointless ✏️
What did the slow tomato say to the others? Don't worry I'll Ketchup
Why should you never date a baker? I've been told their too kneady.
How did the skeleton know it was about to rain? He could feel it in his bones 🦴
How are scooters like butter? They are on a roll! 🛴🧈
How much do roofs cost! Nothing, they're on the house 🏠
Did you pick your nose? No I was born with it 👃
Why did the candle quit his job? He felt burned out
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
What do you call a well-balanced horse? Stable.
What do you call an angry carrot? A steamed veggie.
How do you make an egg-roll? You push it!
What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-ntain.
What did the triangle say to the circle? You’re pointless.
RIP, boiling water. You will be mist.
Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? She kept running away from the ball!
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits.
What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet.
Where was King David’s temple located? Beside his ear.
What did one toilet say to another? You look flushed.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.
Why shouldn’t you use a broken pencil? Because it's pointless.
What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race? Ketchup.
What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry!
Why are pirates called pirates? They just ARRRR!
What do clouds wear under their shorts? Thunder pants!
What did 0 say to 8? "Nice belt."
What did the drummer name her twin daughters? Anna 1, Anna 2.
What did the lettuce say to the celery? Quit stalking me!
What’s small and red and has a rough voice? A hoarse raddish!
Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties? Because they are such fungis.
Why couldn’t the bad sailor learn the alphabet? Because he always got lost at “C.”
What does a spy do when he is cold? He goes undercover.
If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get? Mistle-toes.
What did the cucumber say to the pickle? You mean a great dill to me.
Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crumby.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants.
Where does the general put his armies? In his sleevies.
What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her? Namaste.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dino-snore.
Why did the strawberry cry? He found himself in a jam.
What’s black and white and read all over? A newspaper!
What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry? 58!
What did the nut say to the other nut in a game of tag? Imma cashew!
Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
Why don’t astronomers like Orion’s Belt? It’s a big waist of space.
What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.
Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!
Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don’t know the words!
What do you call a blind dinosaur? A do-you-think-he-saw-us.
How do you make a water bed bouncier? Add spring water.
Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure? He was a little shellfish!
Did you hear about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally!
Why was the bee's hair always sticky? He used a honeycomb.
What do you call phoney spaghetti? An im-pasta.
What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator.
What vegetables are a sailor’s enemies? Leeks
What’s a firefly’s favorite dance? The glitterbug.
Where do roses sleep at night? In their flowerbed.
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet koalafications.
What’s a ballerina’s favorite number? Two-two.
What steals from you when you're in your bathtub? A robber duckie.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Have you heard about the guy who stole the calendar?! Well, he got 12 months!
Why did the ghost go to rehab? He was addicted to boos.
Why does the golfer wear two pants? In case they get a hole in one
What's the difference between a well-dressed cyclist and a scruffy guy on a tricycle? A tire.
What do you call someone who doesn't like carbs? Lack-Toast Intolerant.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in paper? He wanted to live in the present.
Why didn’t the bike want to go anywhere? Because it was two-tired!
Why is it impossible to starve in the desert? Because of all the sand which is there!
A string walks into a bar and the bartender goes, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here." The string walks out all sad and defeated, then has a great idea. He ties himself in a bow, cuts off his ends to look all pretty, and struts back into the bar. The bartender looks at him and goes, "Hey, aren't you that string I turned away before?" and the string goes, "Nope! I'm a frayed knot!"
Why did the developer go broke? Because he used up all his cache.
Two friends are walking down the street thinking of something to do. One friend turns to the other and says, "Let's go get a drink, there's this new place that does THE best punch you'll ever drink." So they make their way to the bar and walk straight up to the bartender "Bartender, two glasses of your best punch please." The bartender replies in a stern voice, "If you want some punch you're gonna have to get in line like everybody else." The friends turn and look around but there's no punch line…
What does a vegan zombie like to eat? Graaains.
What do you call a dinosaur with only one eye? A Do-you-think-he-saw-us!
Assistant: So what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits? The person who invented public bathroom stalls: Can't stress how unimportant that part is
What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk.
What’s a potato’s favorite form of transportation? The gravy train
What did the right eye say to the left eye? Honestly, between you and me something smells.
Why it is hard for a communist to tell a joke? It's not funny until everyone gets it.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's pretty heavy and the other's a little lighter
Knock knock. (Who’s there?) Déja. (Déja who?) Knock knock.
Knock knock. (Who's there?) To (To who?) It's "to whom."
Knock knock. (Who's there?) You. (You who?) Yoo-hoo! Anybody home?
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the "Fresh Prints."
What do diapers and politicians have in common? They both stink and need to be changed often.
A man walks into a bar, and it's empty - it's just him and the bartender. He sits down and orders a drink. He hears someone whisper, "Pssst...I like your tie." The man looks around but doesn't see anyone. "Pssst...that color looks nice on you." He asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but...are you speaking to me?" The bartender rolls his eyes and says, "No, sorry about that. It's the peanuts... they're complimentary."
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella? Fo drizzle.
What kind of pants do Mario and Luigi wear? Denim-denim-denim
Why can't Chuck Norris use the internet? Because he won't submit.
How does Lady Gaga like her steak? (sing) Raw-raw-raw-ra-ah-aww
Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was out standing in his field!
I was told that I needed to come up with a joke for this thing, and I've always been one of those people who messes up the punchline, so I figured I should probably prepare for it. So I went to a bookshop and found a good joke book, to try and get some inspiration, or just plain steal a joke to use. When I got home, I realized I'd accidentally bought a thesaurus. As you can understand, I was pretty crushed... upset... disappointed... vexed... disconcerted.