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Today I gave my dead batteries away.
They were free of charge.
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More dad jokes you'll groan at
I'd like to shout out sidewalks
for keeping me off the streets.
What do call a criminal landing an airplane?
Condescending.
A string walks into a bar and the bartender goes, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."
The string walks out all sad and defeated, then has a great idea. He ties himself in a bow, cuts off his ends to look all pretty, and struts back into the bar. The bartender looks at him and goes, "Hey, aren't you that string I turned away before?" and the string goes, "Nope! I'm a frayed knot!"
What did one plate say to another plate?
Tonight, dinner's on me.
When does it rain money?
When there is a change in the weather.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.