animals Dad Jokes

151 hand-curated animals dad jokes

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey!' The horse replies, 'You just read my mind!'
How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!
Sheepdog says to farmer: 'I got all 50 sheep in the pen!' Farmer says, 'But I only have 46 sheep.' Sheepdog: 'I know, I rounded them up.'
A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit says, 'I think I might be a type O.'
What do you call a sheep who can sing and dance? Lady Ba Ba.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines. But catscan.
I went to a silent auction. I won a dog whistle and two mimes.
What do you call a dog who meditates? Aware wolf.
What kind of fish do penguins catch at night? Star fish.
Can a frog jump higher than a house? Of course, a house can't jump.
How does a penguin build his house? Igloos it together
What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A Lamborghini
If the early bird gets the worm I'll sleep in until there's pancakes
Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web
What do you call spiders who just got married? Newly-webs
How do cows shop? From cattle-logs
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion
Why were spectators confused by the koala's self-portrait? It was bear
What do you call a baby sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop
Why are pigs bad drivers? Because they hog the road
What do lions use to look at their manes? Mirroars
Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes! Hailing taxis
How do birds learn how to fly? They wing it!
What kind of bird is always getting hurt? The owl
What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts
Why couldn't the duck be quiet? Because it was addicted to quack
What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird
Why did the cow pack up its bags and move to Hollywood? To be in the moo-vies
Dogs can't operate MRI machines But catscan
What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates
What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb
Why did the teddy bear turn down a slice of cake? He was stuffed.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
I had a horse named mayo, and mayo neighed.
What do you call an elephant in a telephone booth? Stuck.
A man walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender said, 'Does the animal talk?' And the parrot replied, 'I don't know.'
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fshhhh
Why don't fish play basketball? Because they're scared of the net.
What's the best animal in soccer? A score-pion.
Why can't pigs play soccer? They hog the ball.
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Any idea how to drive this thing?"
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four it would be a sedan.
Why are frogs good at baseball? They know how to catch fly balls.
Why do ducks have feathers on their tales? To hide their butt-quacks.
What do you call it when a cow grows facial hair? A moo-stache.
I adopted a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as I brought him home, he made a bolt for the door.
Why did the rabbit go to the salon? It was having a bad hare day.
Where do birds stay when they travel? Someplace cheep.
Where do penguins go to vote? The North Poll.
Why did the cow go to Hollywood? To be in the moo-vies.
Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it’s a sour puss.
What do you call a cat with eight legs? An octo-puss.
What do you call a pig who knows how to use a butcher knife? A pork chop.
What kind of fish knows how to do an appendectomy? A Sturgeon.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water? Because it was a little horse.
Where do sheep go on vacation? The Baaaa-hamas.
How can you tell if a pig is hot? It's bacon.
What do pigs use to clean up? Hogwash.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.
What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.
Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.
Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.
Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.
Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.
Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.
What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.
What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.
How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.
What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows
Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.
How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.
What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.
Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.
Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.
How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.
What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.
What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say "cheese."
What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.
Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.
Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to walk.
How do frogs invest their money? They use a stock croaker.
Did you hear about the whale that swallowed a clown? It felt funny after.
Two sheep walk into a— baaaa.
What's the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.
What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon Prime account? Prime mates.
What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday? Hoppy Birthday!
Where do polar bears keep their money? The snow bank.
What's a sea monster's favorite lunch? Fish and ships.
Why are pigs so bad at sports? They always hog the ball.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth? De-calf-inated.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad.
Why don't the other farm animals like playing basketball with pigs? They're ball hogs.
What do rabbits need after getting caught in the rain? A hare dryer.
Why did the coach put the frog in the outfield? He's really good at catching flies.
Why did the elephant quit his job? He was working for peanuts.
What do you call a snake that loves building houses? A boa constructor.
Where do fish keep their money? In a river bank.
What do you call a penguin in the White House? Lost.
Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow? An animal that's in a baaaaad mooood.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course! Buildings can't jump.
How do you make a rabbit stew? Keep it waiting.
What do you call a cold puppy? A chili dog.
Why shouldn't pigs drive? They hog the road.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, cows go moo!
Why did the teddy bear skip dessert? She was stuffed.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!
What did the horse say when he fell down? I've fallen and I can't giddy up.
Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither, I couldn't follow it.
What do you call a duck on the Fourth of July? A fire-quacker.
How does a bee brush its hair? It uses a honeycomb.
Where do baby cats learn to swim? The kitty pool.
Which animal never plays by the rules? A cheetah.
What bone will a dog never eat? A trombone.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I named my horse mayo.... mayo neighs
Why does a duck have feathers? To cover up his butt quack! 🦆
What did the horse say after it tripped? Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
What would bears be without bees? Ears.
Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
What has more lives than a cat? A frog, because it croaks every day.
What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh.
Why can't you trust the king of the jungle? Because he's always lion.
How do rabbits travel? By hareplanes.
Why are elephants wrinkly? Because you can’t iron them.
How did the two cats end their fight? They hissed and made up.
Why do cows have hooves and not feet? They lactose.
What job did the frog have at the hotel? Bellhop.
When does a duck wake up? At the quack of dawn!
What classical ballet did the pig pen perform? Swine Lake.
How did the duck buy lipstick? She just put it on her bill.
What kind of dog tells time? A watch dog.
Why does a tiger have stripes? So he will not be spotted.
Did you know that ants are the only animals that don't get sick? It's true! It's because they have little antibodies.
What do you call a dog that's been run over by a steamroller? Spot!
Two whales walk into a pub. They take a seat at the bar and the first one turns to the bartender and says: “Whhhhhoooooaaaaaeeeeeyyyyiiiiiaaaalllllllooooaaaaauuu?” The second one turns to the first and says, “Shut up Fred, you’re drunk.”
Why don’t we see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. A house doesn’t jump at all!
An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, "Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me - you do not want that parrot!" She said, "I can teach it good manners." But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds. She took it out and said, "Did you learn your lesson?" It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet. The parrot said "Brr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?"
Did you know that the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is only ever a whim away? A whim away... a whim away…
My housemate is a huge Richmond Tigers fan. Now the Richmond Football Club in Melbourne hadn't been in the grand final since 1982 (way before she was born) so this was a big deal for her. Unfortunately, she hadn't expected them to make it to the grand finals (after all, they never had made it in her life so far) so when she was planning her wedding she had picked that same spring afternoon. Devastated as she realized she couldn't possibly do both, she resigned herself to making the difficult choice, the only choice, and posted on Facebook "If anyone would like to take my place this Saturday, 2 pm at St Mark's Chapel, let me know."