Family Dad Jokes

My wife just completed a 40-week body-building program this morning. It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12oz.

Today, my son asked, 'Can I have a bookmark?' I burst into tears. Eleven years old, and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

My wife and I took a 1000-mile road trip to see our family. My uncle asked if we took turns driving on the way up. I replied, 'Yeah. It was too hard to get here in a straight line.'

I was gutted when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn't actually mine. She then said, 'You need to pay more attention at school pick up.'

I asked my 9-year-old son what he learned in school today. He said, 'Apparently not enough, because I have to go back tomorrow.'

A Jewish son tells his father he is moving out. A year later, he tells his father he converted to Christianity. The father calls his friend and learns his son also converted. Both call the rabbi, who says his son also converted! They call God, who replies, 'You won’t believe this...'

My wife said she’s divorcing me for being too un-American. I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

My daughter made me proud today. She used a strongly scented soap, and my wife complained. My daughter replied, 'You need to stop being so scentsitive.'

Me to my daughter: I know everything. Daughter: Oh yeah, prove it! Me: I will later. *Later* Daughter: Dad can I have *friend's name* over? Me: No. Daughter: Why not? Me: Because I KNOW everything. If looks could kill, I'd be a ghost.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids I'm a faux pa

Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because its mother was in a jam

If a child refuses to nap Are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? They just want to help you become a groan up

My son asked me to put his shoes on But I don't think they'll fit me

I like telling Dad jokes Sometimes he laughs

What did the husband say to his wife right after getting LASIK surgery? Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?

Why was the dad sitting on a pack of playing cards? His kid asked him to sit on the deck

My girlfriend keeps accusing me of cheating She's starting to sound like my wife

My wife asked me to stop singing 'Wonderwall' to her I said, 'Maybe...'

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? Time to go to sweep.

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!

My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line.

Why couldn't the baby score in basketball? He was always dribbling.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

I don't tell dad jokes that often. But when I do, he usually laughs.

What did the buffalo say to her son on the first day of school? "Bison."

What do kids play when they have nothing else to do? Bored games.

How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.

Why did the little strawberry cry? His mom was in a jam.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.

Am I the only man my wife has ever dated? Unfortunately, yes, she said the others were all nines or tens!

I haven't spoken to my wife in four years. I thought it would be rude to interrupt her!

My kid is blaming me for ruining their birthday. That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was today!

My kid gave me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. At least she inherited my sense of humor.

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?

What did the buffalo say to its son when he left? Bison!

When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.

What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad? A faux pa.

Why couldn't the dad help his son put his shoes on? They weren't the dad's size!

Why do parents always say, "Because I said so?" "Because science" isn't always a good enough explanation.

What parenting style do dads like best? Improvising!

Being a parent means never having a moment to yourself— even in the bathroom.

It's spicy: universal dad code for "I don't want to share."

My kids should have been born in a different decade because it's cheaper by the dozen.

Why are dads bad detectives? Because they only find the evidence after the crime has been committed.

What's it like to have the best son in the world? You'll have to ask grandpa!

Why do dads like bitter drinks? They've been served a cold glass of reali-tea.

Why is the accountant also good at being a parent? Having kids is taxing!

We have the perfect dad-son relationship. You're my son, and I'm perfect!

I love all my children the same. Except for the one that sleeps… I love that one more.

I always have a take on everything. My wife calls my explanations dadsplaining.

Why do dad feel the need to tell such bad jokes? We just want to help you become a groan up.

How many dads does it take to get you to clean your room? One, but it takes 18 years!

Are my kids perfect? No, but we can blame mom for that one!

Why did the Java developer teach his young kids about single quotes? Because they build character.

Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they play golf? In case they get a hole in one.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? "Bison!"

Why do dads take an extra pair of socks when they golfing? In case they get a hole-in-one!

Why was the little cookie sad? His mother was a wafer so long.

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.

I put your grandma on speed dial the other day. I call it insta-gram.

What does a baby computer call his father? Data.

I don't often tell dad jokes. But when I do, he laughs

What's a karate kids favourite drink? Waataaaaaaa!

Our family could never get tyred of Dad jokes. He says they’re wheelie good

Dad can you put my shoes on? No I don’t think they will fit me 👟

Today my son asked can I have a book Mark. I totally burst into tears, he's 11 years old and still doesn't know my names Brian 🤣

Why did Dad burn the Hawaiian Pizza? He should have used Aloha temperature

Why did the kid stock up on yeast? He wanted to make some dough.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

What did the buffalo say when his kid went to college? Bison.

Why didn’t the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10? I asked him and he said, “I still love vista, baby.”